My Journey With Confidence In A Male Led Industry

I've always wanted to talk about confidence but never had the courage to write about it - ironic, right? Here goes.

When asked 'what is confidence to you?' You may have an exact idea of what the is however, this varies for each person. And there are so many misconceptions of what confidence is.

My confidence. Where do I start? (I say this after a few deep breaths in and out.) I've always been one of those people that looks confident, I'm always smiling or laughing but this isn't always the case. Whether I'm in a crowded room full of people or meeting new a random stranger for an interview, I'm the girl the girl that stays quiet, unless I'm spoken to or being asked a question. Thinking about this just makes me nauseous and my stomach is already starting to create knots. I remember being at parties and I'd always stick with that one friend I knew or awkwardly sit in the corner of the couch with my phone in hand praying no one would talk to me.

From what I can remember as soon as I started secondary school, I was quiet. The shy girl. This change was so different for me. When my teachers said "you'll be a small fish in a big pond" they weren't wrong. I was so scared of how people would judge me from the way I wore my hair to the shoes I had on my feet. I always kept to myself I didn't have many friends, but I was okay with that because I struggle opening up to people.

It wasn't until 6th Form, I became slightly more confident in myself. I stopped caring as much with what I wore or how I had my hair. I was in a place with like-minded people that supported each other. I think it was because I was with a smaller group of people from my year, I was able to be more confident in a way. I was still quiet or shy around new people but overall, I had a small amount of confidence.

Going to university really changed my perspective on confidence. It wasn't about what you wore because no one cared I would see people going to lectures in their pajamas or wearing the biggest and brightest yellow coat strutting around campus. The fact that I was in the same boat as everyone else gave me a sense of ease knowing that other people were in the same situation as me. There was definitely a slight weight off my shoulders. I still remember, my first day going into uni. I got the bus with one of my new housemates (he also had his first lecture that day). We were a bit early, so we sat in the refectory for a bit but when the time approached, we wished each other luck and parted ways. Sitting in that journalism lecture room felt odd. this was going to be my new home for the next 3 years; these people were going to be my journalism family- all 24 people.

Doing the presenting module last term really knocked and built my confidence in journalism. I've always liked the idea of becoming a reporter or presenter, so I was excited to try it out and focus properly on my presenting skills. But when I was sat in front of the camera it was a completely changed for me not the fact that it was starting at me as such but the fact that I struggled to read the autocue really knocked my confidence. I was already a slow reader and if I lost my place I would freeze- I laugh at myself just thinking about it. Some days I would put too much pressure on myself and I would over think things as well. Often, I struggle to speak properly in front of people, stumbling on my words when I felt like the spotlight was on me. I can never express myself fully so being put in front of a camera and reading was really daunting for me. But I slowly over came this and this really gave me the confidence I needed.

I still find that some days I get anxious and don't feel like leaving the house but I'm still on my journey with confidence and I don't think it will ever change. Yes, it's true that it depends on your mindset as well, but you just need to keep setting your goals. One day my sister said to me "do you not care what you look like?" The truth was I didn't to some extent. People will always form their own opinions of me, and I didn't really care about being liked anymore or ow they would judge me because only I can define myself and that gave me confidence.